ULQUIORRA: The Owner's Guide and Manuel
by Doggy L.O.A.C.W.D.M
Summary: I do not own Ulquiorra. Tite Kubo does. I do not own the Guide idea. I STILL don't know who does :P.


_Disclaimer: I do NOT own Ulquiorra. Kubo Tite does. I don't own the Owners Guide Idea either. HEHEHE! BUT I OWN YOU...maybe not._

**THIS JUST IN! THE SCATTERED SCREAM CO. AND JUST A MARIONETTE PRODUCTIONS ARE PROUD TO PRESENT TO YOU THIS COMMERCIAL!!!! NEW FEATURES ARE AVAILABLE TO ALL UNITS AND MODELS! As or company has been working of ways to improve units to our customer satisfaction, we have unlocked, added, and sold new settings from the Mystery settings to units that qualify: The Yaoi setting, the Yuri setting, the House Cleaning setting, The Home décor setting, and the A la mode setting. We do hope that these come to our customers liking and pleasure and will encourage you to buy more units. Thank you. [End of message].**

**ULQUIORRA: The Owner's Guide and Manuel**

Congratulations valued customer (insert name here). You have just purchased model number 99274659274338882144 of the ULQUIORRA unit in our Espada Catalog in section P. This is your Owner's Guide and Manuel that should address all basic information, needs, warnings, and modes about ULQUIORRA unit number 99274659274338882144.

**Basic Information: The ULQUIORRA unit standard data**

Name: ULQUIORRA unit of our Espada catalog in section P.

The Type (what to expect): Quiet, Know-it-all, Pretty much has hates everything syndrome, the ability to PWN you.

Manufacturing Date (year/month,/day: hour/minute/second/milliseconds):

2009/31/8: 7/19/23/42

Manufacturing Company: Scattered Scream © co. Commercials and catalog provided by Just A Marionette© productions.

Weight (customized by customer for customer convenience): Anorexic Skinny **Average** Mildly Obese Obese Morbidly Obese

Height (customized by customer for customer convenience): Grain of Rice Garbanzo Bean Squirt Bottle Up-to-your-hip **Average** Taller-than-a-door House Roof Space Shuttle

**Equip List: ULQUIORRA's Fashion sense**

(Quantity: 1) Hollow Mask. Cracked away except for the portion around the right eye. Has a protruding horn thingy.

(Quantity: 1) White Shirt. Long Sleeve that reach wrists. Has Black outlining on the end of cuffs, collar, and down the middle of the chest to the end of the shirt.

(Quantity: 1) Poofy white pants. As it just stated, they are poofy. There is a small part poking out at the middle of the top

(Quantity: 1) Black Belt. Holds down the small part of the pants (that pokes out) to the shirt so the pants don't fall down.

(Quantity: 4 or 2 pairs) Black Socks. Separate the Big toe and from the rest.

(Quantity: 2 or 1 pair) Sandals.

**New Feature!** (Quantity: 1) Butler Outfit. Completely black, has long cat tails in the back, white shirt and black bowtie. Complete with the customers initials in beautiful golden calligraphy over right bosom.

**New Feature!** (Quantity: 1 [with a box]): White long Cloth. Acts as a ghost outfit for the home décor setting. Complete with a box of make-up (not that this particular unit would need it. He's scary already).

**New Feature!** (Quantity: 1) Chibi Gigai. Complete with large green eyes with the capability of chibi tears, sparkles, and the wide OMG WTF. This is only available in the A la mode setting

**The Box: Removing The ULQUIORRA Unit**

This is an important part of the ULQUIORRA unit because if you do this incorrectly, You could end up with a major problem of no limbs. Upon arriving, carefully get the box (containing the ULQUIORRA unit) and then lightly tap on the box. If you happen to her a stirring, it's the unit itself (curious as to what the noise was) and not some rabid raccoon your ex- boyfriend (or ex- girlfriend) put there as a "surprise" gift. Open or cut any of the protective outings that will prevent the ULQUIORRA unit from escaping to happily get away from you or from getting stolen and then getting majorly pimped out (and then he'll be wearing that dreadful color of purple for the rest of the units life span). As soon as that is finished, use your finger and do one quick rapid fire push with the first knuckle and go hide behind your couch like the frightened girl you are. The ULQUIORRA unit should walk out slowly to investigate its surroundings. You should approach the ULQUIORRA unit carefully as to not piss it off to the highest level of pistimity (it IS word in our book, got that?). State your name quickly and then state that this is the new unit's home. If your unit is still unresponsive to you, be sure to state that you have or will be getting an AIZEN unit soon. Then your ULQUIORRA unit will actually take an interest in its new master. Note: Do NOT lie about you getting or having an AIZEN unit just to get your unit to even acknowledge your existence as something better than "trash". If you do lie, you will be dead and we will have no liability because we put this warning right here so you can't sue anyone. HA! We mean… oh no wait… we DO mean ha. Going back to the very first step, if you do NOT in fact hear stirring, do not automatically assume your unit is dead or being pimped out to some hoe. Just assume it's tired or it's not in the mood to care who knocks. Open the lid slightly and proceed to the hiding like a frightened little girl step. If nothing happens, go to the unit and poke it with something long. If the unit does NOT move, go on ahead and assume it's dead. You can go get another ULQUIORRA unit in our Espada catalog in section P or you may get another Espada in any of the other model sections.

**Programming: For Situations or just activity**

Uncaring (default)

Hateful to all things except AIZEN (default)

Crying Shame

Hyperactive (locked)

Caring (locked)

Pissed off

Uncaring _(default)_:

The uncaring setting is a default to your ULQUIORRA unit. This is the setting where pretty much anything that goes on, the ULQUIORRA unit doesn't care about. It only takes an interest to him if it has anything to do with or related to the AIZEN unit (perhaps vacuuming the floor where he saw AIZEN's hair last and wants to have it for the shrine in his closet). The ULQUIORRA would feel more at ease with not caring of anything and just spend his hours calling random old people and babies "Trash" before proceeding to jail shank them Espada style.

Hateful to all things except AIZEN _(default)_:

This setting is relatively similar to the Un caring mode. The difference is that this more focuses on his actions of calling people "trash", shanking the helpless…and well…un helpless, and hating any espada who goes against AIZENs wishes so much that he would send himself to hell just to see them get dunked in lava, feel that much pain but never dying.

Crying Shame:

This is a setting that makes the ULQUIORRA unit sit in his room and cry to himself, write stories of people dying all around him so that he may be the only servant (ahem COUGH sex slave COUGH) to the AIZEN unit, stay in the dark and rock back and forth singing a "F is for fire that burns people to death, U is for ultimate decay, N is for nothing left but me and AIZEN" lullaby.

Hyperactive _(locked)_:

This setting is one of those moments you could get your ULQUIORRA unit to smile at that joke you made an hour ago or the teddy bear you gave him named "Ulqui- kun". This setting is locked for a reason. IT AIN'T MEANT TO BE! IT COULD SPELL DESTRUCTION TO THE WORLD AND CAUSE US TO BURN IN THE ETERNAL ABYSS WHICH IS SPACE!!!!!!!!!!! THE FINAL FRONTIER! THE NO AIR VAST LAND!!!! The only thing that could unlock this setting (should you wish for a slow, painful death) would be to get your WONDERWEISS unit to give your ULQUIORRA unit his beloved Halloween candy.

Caring _(locked)_:

Yet again, another setting not meant to be activated or the world will explode and we all die in space. Why did we attach it to the mother board? Haha, because we have a space shuttle to deliver us to a secret planet capable of saving lives and sustaining life forms (we just want to see what the hell you do.). This mode is just as it's labeled. This is a setting that allows your ULQUIORRA unit to begin caring as if it had any feelings. Plain and simple.

Pissed Off:

This setting can be activated if you take to long to address your name, hugging the ULQUIORRA unit, calling him "My Ulqui- kun", Dying his hair pink (only meant for the SZAYEL unit), or hiding candy in his hollow hole (these apply but are not limited to the shit our customers do with the unit). The unit will proceed to destroying and maiming anything you hold dear and not dear and then he will slowly torture you until he sees fit to kill you.

**Interaction: Other Units for you**

AIZEN: Your unit will serve, worship and stalk this unit. If you feel your ready for someone taking your place, then these units are good together.

GRIMMJOW: The ULQUIORRA unit will hate you and wish you to die slowly and painfully if you ever purchase or have this unit in your possession. DO NOT BUY IT IF YOU WANT THE ULQUIORRA UNIT!

Any other unit: you already know this, don't you?

**F.A.Q: The Complaints of Whiny Ass Customers who won't leave us the hell alone**

Q: My ULQUIORRA unit is hugging his pillow and stays in my room and threatens to separate my jaw from my skull. Got any clue what's going on?

A: He's stuck between the setting Pissed Off and Crying Shame. Reboot the unit.

Q: My ULQUIORRA unit says he actually wants a GRIMMJOW unit. Is this something to worry about?

A: Not if you're a fan of our new YAOI feature extracted from the Mystery settings.

Q: My ULQUIORRA unit died because my cat ripped up his AIZEN shrine in the basement…

A: Buy a New ULQUIORRA unit or get the WONDERWEISS unit (which would be less likely to get O.O.C.S.D or Overly Obsessive Compulsive Stalker Disorder).

Q: YOUR SHITTY ASS ULQUIORRA JUST DESTROYED MY PARENTS, MY DOG, MY BIRDS, PEED IN MY POOL; NUN CHUCKED MY FRIEND AND CHUCKED MY NACHOS AAAAAAALLLLLLL THE WAY ACROSS THE THEATRE! WHAT THE HELL KIND OF SHIT FUCK ARE YOU SELLING!?!?!?!?

A: We're sensing from subtle hints that you are displeased with out products. Please take it up with the poor sons of bitches in Customer Service who we feel really sorry for.

We do hope that you enjoy your time with the only unit in our Espada catalog that looks like he cries all the time and he only one to actually wake up in the middle of the night to watch your AIZEN unit breathe.


End file.
